Date: 30-08-2020
This night was the first night since my goodbye at my parents’ house in Amersfoort. This dream picked up the events of that real world event, but obviously picked them up from the dream world.
I was going back there a second time, after my visit. Mom and dad now lived in a sort of ranch; a typical wooden farmhouse like in those western movies, with all kinds of smaller wooden structures around it, connect by sandy pathways. I went there for my last and final goodbye. Without being spotted by them in the house, I sneaked into one of the barns, and went upstairs to where there was a cosy little attic, where I wanted to reminisce in old memories made there. But on that small attic I found a little girl, with long blonde hair, about three years old. This was my daughter.
(side note; I do not have a daughter)
She was playing with all my old toys. In this dream I had totally forgotten I had a daughter. I had left her there with my parents as I was unable to take care of her when she was born 3 years prior, and mom and dad had been looking after her all that time. She looked up and said out loud: “DADDY!!!!” and ran towards me to give me a long and warm hug. She knew nothing of what had happened the day before, which was what happened in real life. This little girl had nothing to do with that drama anyway. She was innocent.
While I hugged her I said it was so nice to see her again, but shamefully couldn’t remember her name! Oh man, I felt so ashamed, but I kept digging and just couldn’t recall it. But then I saw a pink white bib on the table with a name on it; Niche. “Niche! Of course!” I thought to myself. I sat down with her and made small talk, asking how she was, what she had been doing. But in the back of my mind I wrestled with the thought of what to do next. I was there to say my final farewell to my parents, and meant to never return, but that would mean abandoning my child. I said to her: “Sweety, daddy is about to go away. I’m not coming back. Do you want to stay here with grandma and grandpa, or do you want to come with me, to daddy’s new home?”
“Come with!!!” she exclaimed, putting her hands up and hugging me again. I didn’t want her to feel pressured, so I said that if she didn’t want to she could stay here. She was free to choose. “If you want, you can think about it for a little while, daddy can come back in a few minutes.” But my words only revealed my own insecurity. It was so clear she wanted to leave this attic and come with me. She replied “No I wanna go with you, daddy.” I looked her in the eyes and smiled. “Than that’s what we’re gonna do.” I told her in my new found fatherly role, while I picked this sweet little thing up. As I walked towards the stairs it dawned on me that caring for a little girl would drastically change our lives. But I couldn’t see any other desirable outcome. My wife was at home a lot and would be able to take care of her, and I could work one day less probably. It would be okay. We would manage. We’d find a way. I had to tell mom and dad though.
Before descending down the stairs I looked out of a little window towards the main house, focussing on the kitchen window. I saw mom, but also dad. He was up and about, and walked through the house, seemingly helping mom with household chores. I thought to myself my visit the previous day must’ve snapped him out of it or something. As if I had pushed a reset button. Apparently he had needed to hear those words from my mouth to be able to be who he was deep inside. “That worked out well then, now M could still get his chance to say goodbye, and they can just call each other!” I thought to myself.
So, child in one arm, phone in the other, I started calling my brother, while descending down the stairs towards mom and dad. M picked up, and I began to explain the situation to him. While I explained it, mom and dad had seen me in the yard, and when I finished explaining the situation to M, mom and dad had come outside to meet me. I put Niche on the ground and put the phone on speaker, but I think I hadn’t explained myself well enough to M, so he said to me while on speaker: “Okay, so one moment you’re a handicapped moron that cannot talk, and then someone says something and all of a sudden you’re back to normal? That’s impossible.”
I understood his sentiment completely; yet another situation that was so typical of situations that had transpired in the past, where there is a sudden emergency and everyone is being mobilised, and the next day nobody talks about it as if it never happened. But this wasn’t the right time to have that conversation and it was a bit of a “whoopsie” moment. I said to M: “I’m gonna call you back, bro. Gotta do something important.” and quickly hung up. Dad didn’t understand where that comment of M came from, and it was a bit of an awkward moment, but I interjected that awkwardness by stating: “I’m leaving for good now, and I’m taking Niche with me.” Mom responded indignantly: “Oh? Hasn’t our care been good enough then?”
I felt a little bit of guilt boil up. Taking care of Niche had undoubtedly cost them time, money, and effort. The diapers alone must’ve cost them a fortune. I tried to remedy her comment. “You’ve done an excellent job taking care of her, but it is time for her to come with me now.” Niche, in all her innocence, added to the conversation, and she said something she probably picked up from mom in a conversation between her and some other person at some other time: “I have a good relation with grandma, but my relation with grandpa is damaged.”
Dad frowned and looked at mom, who now looked frightened like she was found out. I knew immediately what was going on here. Mom had been trying to come between dad and his grandchild. The anger must’ve also been evident from my facial expression, no doubt, and that little girl had noticed her comment hadn’t really added positively to the conversation. Her amendment was priceless, as she softly added: “…that’s what grandma said…” Dad looked at mom suspiciously. I said: “Oh really?! Well, that’s good to know then.” Meanwhile looking mom dead straight in the eyes. I picked up my little girl and walked away.
Analysis:
First, an interesting fact: Niche is a term used in biology to indicate the place in an ecosystem held by an organism. The niche is the role and organism occupies in that ecosystem. The Niche provides the organism with nourishment and a place to live.
This dream is full of metaphors. I went there to say my final goodbye. I found something of myself which I had left behind. I had forgotten about it. That which I found was innocent. That innocence exposed mom’s game. I took back my niche, which I think means my autonomy do live my life my way. It had cost mom and dad time, money, and effort to take care of the needs of my niche, meaning it cost them these things in my upbringing. They had a certain obligation towards me as I wasn’t able to do that myself at first. If I want I can feel guilty about that, but I do not have to. It wasn’t some household chore that needed to be done, but something you do for each other out of love.
I took my autonomy with me as I walked away. I think this is a metaphor for what happened yesterday. I learned that I have autonomy over the course and direction of my own life. The path I choose now is my own. I was reminded that I had given them this agency over me, but that it is my task to take care of myself. They have no say in how I do that. I do not have to feel guilty to them for taking care of my needs when I couldn’t, nor for going into a direction they do not approve of.
