Date: 12-12-2018
I dreamt I had to take care of a horse. She was a white mare, not too big. This was something I had ‘inherited’ from my relation with my ex. I had to find a place for her to graze. I don’t know why or how, but the place I had kept her would become unavailable. I had to look for another place.
The new place I had found for her was in front of the school on the other side of the busy road to which the street my parents lived on was a side road. That school was situated with a large green patch of grass in front of it. But when I arrived there, it turned out there was another horse there. A big white stallion. And I mean big. It was a big hulk of pure muscle. And this stallion looked at my little mare and I could see he was interested in her.
My brother and D were now also present. The stallion walked up to our little white mare and they sniffed each others’ noses. My brother and I were making jokes that this huge horse must have a monster ding-dong, and I revered to it as a ‘tampeloeris’ which is old Dutch Amsterdam slang for penis. My brother laughed so hard because it’s a funny word people rarely use any more.
After a while my brother and D left, and I was alone on the field with these two animals, and I found myself talking to the stallion like I sometimes do to animals, trees, stars, etc. Like they are real people, I will just talk to them about the things I worry about, like they are wise gurus that can advice me. And for some reason, this stallion took a liking to me because of my blatant honesty about myself to it. And in the dream this meant I could switch horses. And as soon as this spiritual transference had taken place I was besties with this stallion. He kneeled and allowed me to sit on its back. The white mare would remain in the field where we found the stallion.
And riding this big stallion was so incredibly cool! I didn’t know a thing about riding a horse, but I managed quite well. If I wanted it to go left I stroked its left cheek, and asked nicely to take a left. The same for going right, stroking his right cheek, asking nicely to go right. To stop I just said: “Ho..!” And he understood me well enough each time for the things I wanted. And it was such a treat to ride this magnificent beast. I towered about 13 feet above the ground.
But since I had traded this horse for my previous horse, it meant in this dream that all things agreed upon with the mare now applied to this horse. One such thing was that the mare had been entered into a competition, but the competition was for its jockey and less so about the horse itself. Showing up on a different horse was fine. The competition would’ve been a challenge on old horse of my ex, but not this hunk of muscles. It would even be a lot of fun to compete on this mighty piece of raw force. I looked forward to it.
I had to prepare for this competition. One of the challenges of the competition was to have the horse jump while the jockey held something heavy he/she was not allowed to drop. So the horse had to carry me + heavy object, and I just had to carry the heavy object. To me in hindsight that sounds like it was more a competition for the horse, but this 4 horsepower stallion would do this with ease.
Because my stallion could carry so much I decided to challenge myself. I was going to carry a trunk weighing 25 kilos, carrying it in a jute back. The trunk I had in mind laid in my sister’s yard. This was agreed upon with her earlier, before I had the stallion, but when I came there her plans for the trunk had changed. The trunk was supposed to be cut into smaller pieces, and I could take some pieces but not all. I didn’t understand what she had in mind. Confused I asked her if I could take another trunk (she had a few) and she was fine with that. I got what I wanted; a heavy trunk to carry. I thought to myself I should tame my autistic side, and just accept this wasn’t my stuff and my sister was free to do with it as she pleased.
My next stop was the veterinarian in Amersfoort. I was short one last item which I absolutely needed to compete in the competition; the liver of another animal. And this vet was the supplier for this competition, somehow. So I navigated my stallion through the traffic. For the most this went well, except for a few occasions. The animal got a little nervous due to the busy traffic, and a few times it almost went wrong, but in a fun way. I would try and have it wait for a car, but in its nervousness and playfulness it would just decide to continue on through someone’s front yard. But it made me laugh. Every time it didn’t go as planned all parties on the road just had to let us pass because this thing was the biggest thing on the road. There was no negotiating with it. Every time I just shrugged my shoulders and said: “Woops!”
We arrived at the veterinarian office. It had a port that led to a courtyard. I had to leave the stallion alone there for a moment as I went inside. He didn’t like that, didn’t allow me to tie it off either. I didn’t force it. There was no where he could go anyway. The courtyard was closed off. Inside I saw my mother sitting on the waiting bench near the service counter. She was with Pedro; a pet dog we used to care for a decade ago, who has since passed. In the dream Pedro was ill. I didn’t know. My mother looked sad and had a defeated demeanour. The second she saw me she was surprised to see me here, and my unexpected appearance here was uncomfortable for her as I had seen her in that state.
The hallway where she sat was quite dark by the way. The light in the hallway came from the service counter. That’s where I had to request a liver to pick up. Mom was doing her thing again, complete pretence, like I haven’t stayed away from her for the past 3 years. ‘Keeping up appearances’. “Hey, what are you doing here then? How are you?” But she added her signature disdain by asking me if I was able to live on my own. Not “are you enjoying living on yourself” or something, but “am I succeeding”. And regretfully I played the game, bragging about how well I was doing.
She then started giving me tips on how to request the liver at the desk, making it seem I might not get one if I didn’t ask right. With this in the back of my mind I went to the desk, and I felt a little insecure because of what mom had said to me. A woman came, and I said: “I need a liver for the jockey competition.” “Okay. Let me get it for you.” Said the lady. That was it. No tricks needed. My mother had made me nervous for no reason at all.
I don’t recall actually being handed a liver but after having been at the desk I was done there and went outside again to the courtyard. There I saw my horse was fooling around and misbehaving. I could see it in its eyes. I wanted to grab him, and he allowed me to come close just to run off again as I almost reached him. This continued on for a few minutes as I talked to it and tried to cease his play. In the midst of this cat and mouse game, he even walked straight against a wall with his head, but he walked away unscathed. Eventually I sweet talked him back to me.
But then I noticed Pedro was also outside in the courtyard. He was clearly lost and scared. I think he was afraid of being alone outside in the vicinity of this huge horse. But I called out his name and he recognised me and came to me. I was someone he knew. The moment I got him softly by his collar he seemed to feel relieved and less scared. I petted him. He returned to his old self instead of this nervously shivering wreck.
Why was Pedro outside this courtyard? Dream logic; mom had forgotten him while simultaneously still being inside the veterinarian office. The solution? I had to bring Pedro back home to them. I did not feel like going back to the house. This was also when I realised my regret for having talked to mom at all. She might now think things are all fine again and invite me in. I didn’t like the prospects of having to decline that offer or worse; feel obligated to enter and have tea, and participate in her game of pretence. But I couldn’t leave Pedro there all alone. He deserved it for me to help him get home. I was going to try and bring him there but make it seem like I was in a hurry, to escape any confrontation with mom.
That’s where the dream ended somewhere; me walking the street with a small black dog on a leash in one hand, and the reins of this huge muscular white stallion in the other hand.
Analysis 25-02-2024:
It was fun to read back this dream. I had forgotten all about it, and reading this account again helped me get a few impressions back. I recall how fun it was to traverse the traffic on the back of this meat tank. It was amazing.
The account with my mother in the dream was typical. I think it showed me how I so easily fall for her games and participate against my wishes. I couldn’t yet stand up to her the way I wanted.
The stallion is something I got indirectly from my prior relationship. Pedro is something from the past. I think both animals are a representation of me. I think the end is me going into the future with these two sides of me. A side from the past that is scared and nervous. The stallion the side of me that is playful and above all strong. I let go of a good version of myself from my past relationship and got back something stronger and better. I left the mare behind at a place where I grew up. I brought Pedro, the nervous dog, back there too. It’s interesting to realise what this dream could’ve meant.
The competition perhaps showed me how I enjoyed taking on the challenges of live with my new self. Though I wonder what the trunk and liver (especially the liver) meant in this. I got the trunk from my sister? And a liver from the vet? I hope some day I can figure out what that meant. Right now, I haven’t a clue.
