Date: 09-01-2022
Last night I dreamt D and I were going to take on a long journey to Tanzania, where we would be backpacking through the savanna, sleeping (and perhaps even living) inside a tent. We had come up with this together and had decided this is what we both needed. It would be a vacation of long duration, at least a few weeks, but I think much longer. Maybe even a year, or even longer than that. It was unclear. It was long term.
We were staying over at my parents’ old house the days before we left. But instead of my parents it were her parents that lived there. D had to go to work the day before we departed, but she was able to leave work earlier than usual, so she could take some more preparations for the journey ahead. As a surprise she had made me a carnival suit with a large fluffy animal snake. She had twisted it around the suit and attached it, so that it looked like I was being attacked by a big snake while wearing it. I put it on before she came home. My in-laws were laughing their socks off.
D came home and she said she wanted to go to the store to get some more things we needed. We went to Amsterdam, where there is a large store for travel supplies. In the dream the location was the same as in real life, but the store looked different from the inside, and also did they have much more than just travel stuff. They had everything. The shelves were really high, many metres easily. They still did have many travel products, but also books, toys, office supplies, you name it. D went her own way, and allowed me to browse around. By the way, the store was really busy, and it was a bit under lit. A few lights here and there would have done the store much good. But it wasn’t grim, it was just more like a perpetual twilight inside the store, and it made it kinda cosy.
D had told me she wanted to document our journey by writing down all our adventures. She had asked me to consider bringing my laptop with me on our journey, but I realised that the laptop would be quite a weight to carry around with me all the time. Maybe D could use a paper notepad? It’s lighter, doesn’t require electricity, and I could still take my iPad just in case, which is lighter and would also allow me to use the sudoku app. I went looking for paper notepads, but eventually found myself in an aisle filled with toys.
I saw little toy army tanks which I also used to have when I was a kid myself. Only in the dream I had misplaced the toy vehicle. I felt the urge to re-experience what it was like to play with these toys. And in that aisle there were many kids on the ground playing with the toys they had taken from the packages. This was something the store owners allowed, like this was equal to listening to the music before you purchase it. You want to know what you’re getting. And without any shame I pulled one of those tanks out of the package, and started playing with it.
But something about it was different. De manufacturer had “improved” the product, according to the text on the package, but I saw through it. This was no improvement. They had attempted to lower the production costs as much as possible by using cheaper less durable materials, while asking more money for the items because they were now “improved”. Typical corporate scheme. I told myself I would just go back home and would try my best to locate my old toy. I wanted to take it with me to Tanzania. D now tapped me on the shoulder. With a smile on her face she asked me: “Can you find everything you’re looking for, sir?”
I smiled, but replied on a slightly more serious note I wanted to check out the paper notebooks, and explained my reasoning concerning the laptop. D got a little more serious herself now, and replied she would rather still use the laptop. And she had a point. I prefer to work from my laptop when I work on my site, so why not just take the laptop with us. “Is this why you were at the toy aisle?” she asked me, again with a smile. “Nah, I was just curious.” I said. “Oh really?” she replied, and she winked. We moved along together. I thought to myself I would leave my iPad at home. This saved some weight, and instead of making a sudoku I could also grab a flash light and stroll around our tent to look for exotic critters. That actually sounded like a more fun thing to do. “I have everything then.” I told her. She too. While walking to the cashier I was running through a memorised check list. Had I not forgotten anything?
I needed flip-flops, and specialised shoes, and realised the flip-flops would take the least amount of space, so it would make sense to put the shoes on during flight and stuff the flip-flops in my luggage. I had the shoes, which were pitch black Asics, with holes in them as if they were Crocks. They didn’t even look too unfashionable, and maybe even appealing to wear in a hot savanna climate. D and I took our spot in the line to pay for our items, while going through our checklists out loud. “Do you have this?” “And this?” “And you, did you think about this?” We had to wear our warm clothes inside the plane, cause it could get a bit chilly in an airliner.
We arrived back home. The both of us wanted to take a shower, so we went into the bathroom. Before we closed the door, her parents both came to see us, and expressed how proud they were of us for taking on this journey. “You both deserve this.” stated my father in law. It was a bit awkward that they were in the bathroom with us, as we were getting undressed, cause all of a sudden we were in a hurry. It was the bathroom as it used to be in my parents’ house, with the orange wall tiles. D’s parents wanted to ask and tell us so many things before we went, but we were running out of time to leave comfortably. Before I pulled down my underpants, I jokingly ushered them out of the bathroom. “Out, out out out out!” I smiled and so did they. They moved out, we closed the door and took that shower.
After we took a shower, I wanted to quickly move upstairs to my old room, to check and see if my PC was perhaps still turned on. During my teen and ‘tween’ years I had that PC turned on 24/7. But my visit to this room was actually my excuse to go look for that little toy tank. I went up the first stairs, onto the hallway, and went past the door of my sister’s old room. In that room sounded R&B music, as if it was coming from small speakers. As gently as I could, I opened the door, and peeked through the crack, while standing on the first two steps to the attic. It was the room as dad had made it for his train collection, after my sister moved out of the house.
But in this dream, this was now a temporary room for my brother. The train table was hinged against the wall, and in the back of this small narrow room laid a mattress on the floor. On the mattress laid a very ill M (my brother), covered by a blanket, head on the right of the room, laying on his right side so facing the wall away from the door. From his left ear a cotton cloth stuck out and it was red with blood. He had an inner ear infection, that apparently had plagued the house, I recalled in the dream. I could see he was in much pain. He was shivering and groaning. Near his head, next to the mattress, stood a small table. On the table laid his phone. From this phone sounded the R&B music, which apparently he had put on. And this is the kind of music he definitely doesn’t like. The angry voice of a black man sung the chorus: “Momma said momma said momma said! Momma said momma said momma said! Momma said momma said momma said!” with bombastic beats and drums escorting this monotone line.
He hadn’t noticed me, and I didn’t want to wake him. In this dream he was mad at me and didn’t want to talk to me, just as in real life. I wanted to say goodbye to him though, because I would be staying away for such a long time, but eventually decided not to wake him. I didn’t want my last memory of him to be his anger and judgement. Cause at that moment I somehow knew D and I would never return. As gentle as I could I closed the door again, without waking him, and proceeded to the attic. Entering my old room I indeed found my PC switched on. I sat down behind it, and opened a few games I used to play, and programs I frequently used back in the days. I enjoyed the nostalgia. I took it in, enjoyed it, and said my goodbye to the computer. I switched it off one last time. After this I briefly tried to find the little toy I wanted to take with me, but I couldn’t find it. I had to accept this loss and had to let it go. I got up, opened the door, took one last look at the room, then closed it and moved downstairs.
From here everything went in fast forward speed until D and I found ourselves inside the airliner. “Here we are, in the plane.” I said. But D had now also figured out something about this journey was different. And I knew it too. We both realised we were going to die on this journey. Everything that had happened in our life, and all the choices we had made, had brought us to this moment. We had chosen to take this path, together. We were both a bit nervous, but we also knew things would be alright. The aeroplane took off, and we held each others’ hand, and looked into each others’ eyes. “There we go.” I said. She replied: “Yup, there we go.” I said: “I’m curious what it would be like.” “Me too.” she said.
The plane now began to crash down. I felt fear, but saw more fear in D her eyes. My desire to comfort her allowed me to overcome my own fear. I squeezed her hand, and tried to get her to look me in the eyes again. “Hey. You. It’s going to be alright.” I said in an uplifting voice. She smiled while tears ran down her cheeks. I continued: “It was a beautiful journey together. And we will find each other again, on the other side, okay? We will stay together. I’ll look you up.” She now smiled with her whole face. My words had comforted her, and she was now too without fear. And then the moment was there. The plane hit the ground. I recall intense pain. It was so intense that I was alone in that moment. I experienced this moment of pain in solitude. It was me, and pain. I think our bodies disintegrated on impact.
But that pain only lasted a fraction of a second. It was over before it began. I found myself in another state of being. I really felt it. I now also understood many things I didn’t before in my life. And I also knew that D was in the exact same state of mind, understanding all the things I now understood too. Because I knew what she knew I wanted to visit my brother one last time before I went to find her. I knew D understood this. M was my first priority now. I felt he needed my help, but I did not know whether or not he would accept it, because I was the one to offer this help. So I looked him up. This happened instantaneously. He now laid in my king sized bed, in the house I now lay while typing this.
I was in the hallway, and passed through the door. I entered the room as an observer. Nobody inside could see me, not even from the dream realm. As long as I decided to stay unnoticed, nobody could see me. Inside the room I detected an ominous presence. There were three shadow figures with him in this room. They were the same entities I sometimes run into in lucid dreams or when I am in between waking and sleeping. One of these shadow entities sat on his chest and was choking him with one hand. M was asleep, but because of the state I was now in I could see he was tangled up in a nightmare inside his head. If I wanted to, I could enter this dream. I could even wake him up. But, if I did that, it meant I would come out of my incognito mode, and he would be able to see me. As long as he was asleep, or half asleep, he wouldn’t be able to tell it was me giving him this unsolicited help.
I wanted to help him, but I wanted to do something heroic, so he could see I am not the evil he perceived me to be. But suddenly I realised he didn’t even know I was dead yet. I knew I wasn’t allowed to reveal that to him this way intentionally. Apparently there were rules in place to prevent this. So I let go of that idea. But I still wanted to help him, so I decided I would just remove these three demons from his presence. He didn’t have to know it was me. And by the way, I was not in any doubt I could beat them. I beat them plenty of times when I was still human, and my abilities were now far beyond what I could in my physical form. And I was actually quite eager to test my new abilities on these evil mother fuckers. I was going to reveal myself and fight them.
I de-cloaked, and the entities noticed me immediately. And I was hard to miss. Even to my own surprise my appearance was very intense. I wore white robes, and my skin emitted a blindingly white light. One of the three entities, which stood at the foot end of the bed dissolved instantly on my de-cloak. The second tried to jump me from the other side of the bed, but with one swing of my arm I bounced him out of the air like he was made of carton board. He impacted the wall and splashed into ash. It took me no sweat at all. The third one was however a little bit stronger, and he was still choking my brother. But without a hint of fear in me I pulled him off M. This was to become and actual fight, but I hadn’t a sliver of doubt I would beat him.
And it wasn’t a match at all. A few kicks, and light beams from my hands, and he puffed into a cloud of ash too. The entity had not even succeeded in landing a single strike on me, and I think if he did he would not even have been able to do as much as scratch me with his best move. But as I landed my final attack on the entity M had started to wake up from his dream, and he was opening his eyes. In a fraction of a second I knew he could see me, and with a thought I put him back to sleep. He must’ve seen something, but I do not know how much. I was hoping that he had not recognised me due to the blinding light, but who knows. Maybe if he wakes up again he’ll just remember this as a fascinating dream experience. But as soon as the news of my passing would reach him, he might put 2 and 2 together and figure out it was me. But then I thought: “Maybe it was supposed to happen this way?”
I looked one last time at my brother, and smiled. I knew he’d be okay. Then I teleported myself to D. She was such an enlightened being now. We went on our journey together, but we also both expressed how we looked forward to coming back one day. Our departure seemed to be permanent, but also temporary. I remember literally thinking: “I really hope M, and D’s parents are still alive when we return.”
The dream ended. I memorised this dream through repeating core words. I then fell asleep once more. Another dream followed. It was equally profound, and it followed up the events as they took place in my experience. This next dream took place in front of the old house of our grumpy neighbour, miss Schreuder. In this dream her house was now a small school. The world was post-apocalyptic. There were a few children of varying ages outside waiting for school to start.
There were two versions of my brother, M. One was him as I left him in the previous dream; a young adult male. So, not at all a child, yet he was supposed to follow classes there. The second version of him was as he was when he was a young boy, about the age of 10 (about 3rd or 4th grade). They didn’t know they were each others’ counterpart. In this dream I remembered having had the previous dream, not knowing I was dreaming again. I wanted to tell older M about this dream as it featured him, and I thought there was a message in it for him. I reasoned it was therefore important he knew what I had experienced.
I talked to him, and he acted disinterested, but agreed to listen to my dream. But while I started to detail the story, he wasn’t making the slightest effort to listen. In fact, he actually seemed to make an effort to portrait he wasn’t listening at all. On the property was a kennel with two dogs in it. As I started to tell the story from the start he picked up a stick and started poking it through the fence, playing with the dogs that began taking turns pulling the stick. Then he would strike up a conversation with another person there. And every time I paused for him to finish what he was doing, he would eventually notice I had stopped and would turn to me stating that he was really listening and I could just continue. But is was very evident he was actually giving me the sign he didn’t have the slightest intention of actually taking in anything I was detailing to him. I got the impression he would actually prefer me to be done, so he didn’t have to pretend to be interested, which he didn’t even do.
But he didn’t have to if he wanted to. If he had said he wasn’t interested that’d be fine. I would just not tell him and keep it to myself. So I said to him: “Look, if you don’t want to hear it, just say so. I won’t hold it against you, I just thought you wanted to hear this, that’s all.” But he said he did want to hear it, while it still seemed like he didn’t really mean that at all. So I responded to that with: “Is it okay if I don’t tell you? Cause if you don’t want to hear it, I might as well not bother you. I’m okay either way, but then please just say so.” But M kept insisting he was interested to hear it, but again did it in such a way he clearly didn’t mean a word he said. And this was so strange. Before he broke contact with me he was always thrilled to share our dreams with each other and examine their meaning together. Something in him had changed. He was angry with me.
“If you don’t want to listen just say so, bro. It’s okay if you don’t, but don’t tell me you want to hear it if you don’t.” But then a little boy said to me: “I want to hear it?” It was his younger version. He came to sit down in front of me, and so did a host of other children of about the same age. For a moment I felt what it was to be a teacher again. I really missed this feeling. “Okay, let me go back and start the story from the beginning.” They agreed. Old M had wondered off. But as I set the story up and explained about the preparations for Tanzania, the front door of the house/school swung open. The teachers stepped out and called the children to come inside. All the children got up and left to enter the school. Young M was sad. He really wanted to know this dream as I had detailed to him it featured a future version of him. But he had to go to school. In the dream I knew that another chance to tell this version of M would not present itself again.
Analysis:
We were staying over at my parents’ house, where in the dream this was the house where my in-laws lived. I think this symbolises how they became my surrogate parents.
We were staying with them for a few days. Maybe this is something of the future, where we make use of their hospitality, or maybe it shows how hospitable they are.
Tanzania is called the cradle of humanity. Humankind originated here. D and I were preparing to go to this cradle; a journey to our source. I think this means we are preparing for a life back to our roots, or a life based on a more traditional way of living.
In the dream we both tried to take old memories and luxuries with us, but were limited in the amount of things we could take with us. We had to pick carefully. I cherish items from my past. In that regard I am much like my father. But I simply was forced to leave most things behind. But in the dream I took my time to consciously say goodbye to that past. I think this could be about what is going on in our world today. We need to say goodbye to our way of life, regardless which way things go. But it could also mean D and I will go live off grid somewhere, where we will have to learn to do without the luxuries of modern technology. In the dream, we were both ready for that.
In the dream, we both died. But we lived on, still. Wiser, more conscious and self-aware, stronger. I think this symbolises the many pains we will undoubtedly have to endure, but which in the end will help us grow spiritually. It will actually make us wiser, more conscious, more self-aware, and stronger.
My brother was ill in the dream. An infection of his inner ear. Blood coming our of his ear. He was shivering, and in pain. He was sad and depressed. The music he was playing was music he has a good measure of distaste for in real life. The music contained the chorus “momma said” on repeat. I think this is about his current situation. I think this symbolises my mother is whispering things in his ear. Things he would normally not listen to.
His ears were infected. He even bled from the ears. Cotton cloths were inside his ears to catch the blood. With your ears you can hear things. Maybe his ability to hear things has been damaged. I think this symbolises M is hurt, and he can no longer hear what he needs to hear.
In the dream he is listening to music he dislikes, while suffering from inner ear infection. It seems to me the worst state to be in to listen to garbage music. “Momma said.” I think this symbolises that whatever his soul injury is, it’s been made worse by listening to what mom is feeding him. The message “momma said” is being repeated over and over again, while what he probably needed would be to turn it off and allow himself some peace and quiet to heal.
I left without saying goodbye to him. I think this symbolises I prefer to never have any contact over being in a conflict with him. I don’t want to fight over stupid things. I’m glad few bad things were said in our last exchange. His anger towards me is rooted deeply. I cannot change that. Only he can. He has made choices, and I need to learn to respect his choices. I will learn to put this aside me, and move on.
My urge to go visit him in my death because I sensed he was in peril comes from a brotherly urge to protect a younger sibling. I want him to be safe. I also want him to see me in a positive light, but there are no magical ways to change the way he perceives me. It should be his choice to perceive me as he wants to. Wanting to be seen positively corrupted my initial motivations to help him, though when I realised I could not brake these universal laws, I still helped him, and I think this shows which part of my desire to help him was unconditional. And I would help him as often and well as I possibly could do.
Though with that said, I think the demons that haunted him in the dream were there by invite through his unconsciousness. Certain choices welcomed those shadow entities into his spiritual plane. There would come a time when it would be foolish of me to keep helping him. On one hand I would take away his chance to defeat his own demons if I did, but on the other hand he might not learn how to do that and be turned into one of those entities himself. The key here is choice. Should he ever choose to call for my aid, I will help. I fear for my brother though. He has followed our mother on a dark and depressing road. I think our mother is already nearly lost, or perhaps even irredeemable already, if I interpret my dreams correctly that is. Following her on her path is nevertheless a bad idea, in my opinion.
In the second dream, there were two versions of M. His current version, and a much younger version. The oldest version had no interest in hearing my dreams, but he was unable to just admit to this. His younger version was really interested in hearing this dream but had to go to school.
I think the older version and his reaction symbolises his state of being. He doesn’t want to hear what I have to say, even if it were the most profound thing he could be witness to, not because of its content but because it comes from me. He might even have grown envious of these dream experiences, even though he himself has been privy to having had such experience many times over.
Not being interested but not being able to admit this I think shows he is still afraid of saying ‘no’ to me. His break of contact with me I think is a way for him to experience power over me. It is a deep rooted thing he wrestles with. I think he’s made certain decisions in his life and he fears that I think of these choices. And I understand that fear. I hold him in high regard. His judgement weighs heavily on me too. Whatever judgement I could convey to him if he was to ask for my council is my demon to struggle with. What he fears more than getting that council though is that I could be right, afterwards. That is a demon of his own making.
In the dream it seemed he was trying to get me to get angry with him, which I did not do. I was mostly confused and didn’t understand his disinterest at first. I simply wanted to share my experience with him, and looked forward to analysing it together. I was hoping he would understand the metaphors and what this meant for his life right now. If he didn’t want to hear it, he could’ve just said so. I would have had to deal with that, whether I liked it or not. It would’ve been more honourable if he had been honest.
The old version of M didn’t want to hear the dream, but his younger version did. That version was actually filled with wonder and excitement. But he couldn’t cause he had to go to school. I think this symbolises that the M of a years back would have really loved to hear this dream, but the time I have to reach that version of him has passed. That version of him is locked in the past, in a different phase of his life, where I cannot reach him any more. It wouldn’t have served him to know what the future has in store for him, cause it might result in him changing his path. But those choices would not be his own as they would not be based on his own experiences. This would break another universal law.
Young M and old M both went to the exact same school. This is an interesting detail, and it combines the conclusion of the two dreams. I think this symbolises that old M needs to relearn a lesson that young M also had to learn. I think this is about the way he saw our dad before he died. We all often cursed that man during his life, thinking he was bitter and angry, full of hate, and unreasonable. We all hated that man in some part of our life. M too hated him. But behind this hate were the tentacles of our mother. Now that dad is gone, the hate evaporated. He can see dad for who he really was now. This is a lesson he has learned, but he is going to the same school now. I think this pertains to his hatred towards me. I’m not saying I am innocent. I am not. Neither was our dad, for that matter. But there was more to him than what we thought. But I think I need to die or become out of his reach for him to see how he is being manipulated in growing his hate for me, just as before with dad. That’s why he’s going to the same school as his younger self. And that’s why I think he was sleeping in my bed towards the end. After my death he will be at a place where I have already been.
Aftermath 14-01-2024:
I know now just how profound these dreams were. My wife has expressed a shared desire to go live off grid, for one. This is something I could only have wished for years ago. And my sister told me weeks after this dream my brother had moved back in with our mom, and decided some other things that suggest he went back to his past. Brother, I feel your pain. Our lives present us with these tests. We answers the questions of those tests through the choices we make. With each choice we make comes a new lesson to learn, in the form of new tests. Life continues in this cycle until we learn what we are here to learn. I’m sorry for my judgements of you. These dreams just happen to me. Take from them what you want or need. The analysis are my interpretation. Yes, I could easily be wrong. Or maybe there are more ways to interpret them. I hope you are okay. I know you will be okay in the end. I love you. Thank you for all the good times.
