Date: 09-11-2019
This was another surrealistic dream. I believe I was living in Amersfoort again, and one night I suddenly recalled I had left a quad with mom and dad which I had forgotten to take with me when I moved out. I would be standing in their garage still. I went there on my quad of the brand Maxxter, which is a cheap electronics brand in NL. But this quad was excruciatingly slow, and it would take forever for it to gain any speed at all too. So I drove this quad to the house. There was also a scene where a black Volvo was chasing me, but I only vaguely recall impressions of this, and it had no baring on the rest of this story.
But when I arrived at the house I could immediately see something strange was going on. The front door was opened, as was the big garage door. The port to the yard was opened, as was the backdoor, and the side door to the garage. But not just that; all windows were opened too. Everything that could be opened but which would be normally closed was opened now. I went inside and found nobody home. I recall this part of the dream quite well, because as I walked the hall and stairs and looked inside every room, I kind of took a stroll through memory lane. I took this moment in, while also wondering where everyone was and why they left the house like this.
But I couldn’t figure it out, and reminded myself I didn’t come to mingle in their affairs and was only there to pick up my quad. This is something I have dreamt many times before, by the way; that I had forgotten a car, motor cycle, trike, etc. when I moved out, which was still in the garage. This time it was a quad. So I entered the garage and looked around. I pulled a stack of wooden plates to the side, and there she was. The strange thing was I had gone there on the quad to find the quad I just knew I had left there. Dream logic. But even though the quad I took out of the garage was the same on which I had arrived, it was so much better!
I was able to pick up speed faster and drive at a higher velocity, and I was having so much fun. I drove around the neighbourhood, and visited a few places I felt nostalgic about. But then I drove back into my parents’ street and saw something strange at the house of Miss VDH – an old woman that used to live across the street. As I drove by I saw my mom and dad sitting inside her living room. They were seated on a greyish blue sofa together, both old, cosy, and peaceful. They looked well rested. But then dad saw me.
My quad was making a lot of noise, so it wasn’t a surprise they would see me eventually. They both jumped off the sofa, and in a panic I floored my quad and drove it up the driveway of their house, into the garage, killed the engine, and ran inside the house to hide from them. This part of the dream was a game of cat and mouse between me and my parents. I had to remain hidden while they searched in and around the house, trying to figure out where I was. It took a while but eventually while changing hiding places I ran into dad.
He startled me, and I had startled him too. He didn’t say anything but his facial expression turned from angry to deeply saddened. Without making a sound I saw the tears running down his face. I gave him a hug and then we looked each other in the eyes for a moment. I wanted to explain to him why I had shunned him but in this dream it was very difficult to do that. I thought he still would be in denial mode about it and my explanation was completely spiritual. But still I tried and I said things to him that in the dream made a whole lot of sense, but afterwards were so incredibly cryptic that I wasn’t even sure I should write them down. I’m so glad I did though.
He asked me: “Why did things go the way they did?” I replied something like: “That which was, was one thing, and it wasn’t good. It had a sickness. That which is now, are two things. On their own they can get better. They are healing.” He understood what I meant with that! But in a hopeful tone, with an almost childlike innocent hopefulness he asked me when those two things can become one again. I told him that they couldn’t, cause those two things would become sick again: “Moments like these are the last rare moments we share together. This will be one of few times we will have.” My words made him intensely sad, and I too felt a kind of heavy burden on my body for the words that just came from my mouth. But I felt it was the truth. I just knew this is how our future would play out, and it had to be said. We hugged each other one last time.
I went outside and ran into mom on the street in front of the house. She somehow knew dad had found me, and she had allowed us to have our moment together. She also knew about the contents of the conversation between me and dad, and she was at peace with it. We talked together, quite openly, which is very uncanny for her to do. We spoke about her past, and how it had become the mould for how she had arranged her live with dad and us. She agreed. But then I put emphasis on how this included all the things she had maliciously done. That was a bridge too far for her, and she went into a cautious denial. But I offered her an olive branch by manner of speak, and told her I had taken after her in that regard.
I explained to her how I was able to manipulate colleagues about a former colleague to have them see him with different eyes. “Not that that guy was a nice guy that had done nothing wrong or something, but I was able to have people come to that conclusion with subtle comments and nudges about his character.” With that admission, mom relaxed again. She understood what I meant, and acknowledged her evil side and relented what her deeds had led to. In a morbid way she was even proud of me of what I had done in my admission about that colleague. We talked some more and came to the conclusion we both have strong people skills, but we each use them very differently. I was the first in line to have applied these skills on myself.
But after some real talk she started to make small talk. She asked me if I had heard about the daughter of my surrogate grandmother. I gathered she meant that the daughter had recently passed away, so I said I hadn’t heard. Later she switched back to serious talk, and she started to talk about my sister, J. I told mom I was considering whether I should put my contact with J on ice too. Mom understood why, and said: “That isn’t going well either, is it?” I concurred: “Yeah, it’s been damaged too much.” While we were talking to each other about J we saw her with her two children all the way in the distance on the middle of the street. Mom and I were now also standing on the middle of the street, still in front of the house.
Both my nieces were the same age in this dream, which was about the age the younger one is now. They were making circles on the road on small balance bikes. J smiled, and waved at us. We waved back. Then I said my goodbyes to mom. It was time for me to go. We hugged each other, and looked each other in the eye one last time. Both of us smiled while tears ran down both our faces. And then I left, while I saw J and her kids in the distance. When I woke up I truly had the feeling I had talked things through with my mom and dad.
Analysis 25-02-2024:
All I can say is that the things I said to my dad in this dream sure get a different context now that I am reading this so many years later. You will understand what I mean if you keep reading along. What I thought was cryptic back then actually isn’t that cryptic in hindsight. It was indeed one of the last times I saw him.
It seems I am destined to leave this family behind, and this is because I want to. I have dreamt this so many times now.
