Date: 04-12-2016

Introduction:

Last night I had a very rare and special dream experience. In the dream, I didn’t think it was a dream, because I recalled what I had dreamt earlier that night in this very dream. So this dream wasn’t lucid, but it was very vivid. I thought this was real. The memories of this dream were very sharp when I woke up.

Seasonal Spider:

This took place during day time at the little square in front of the garage of my parents’ house. A voice from above was speaking to me. I was standing near the part of the house where the exhaust of the extractor hood above the stove exited the wall. I was facing into the direction of the road. On the driveway were small pools of water, teeming with life. Spiders, grasshoppers, crickets, butterflies, dragonflies, and frogs. Mostly frogs. The whole focus of this aspect of the dream was on the frogs. The voice had control over what happened in this small ecosystem I saw. It was a calm and kind voice.

The voice spoke to me and said: “Look at what is happening in your family. It is like the seasons of the year.” And while the voice was explaining I saw in fast forward the life cycle of the frogs, from frogs going into the water, mating, eggs, tadpoles, and little frogs crawling on land and growing into mature frogs that would move back to the water and start mating again. It was in fast forward, yet I could see every detail of it. It happened in one smooth motion. Woosh! And again. And again. The whole cycle, in one second. Woosh. Woosh. Woosh.

The voice meanwhile continued to explain to me the dynamic in our family, and used the cycles of the frogs as an analogue: “You see it? These are cycles. They repeat, again and again and again. What is happening now, is part of something that has been going on for a long time. Right now, you are just in a season of that ongoing cycle. It is something that has happened many times before.” And I understood exactly what the voice meant. I replied to the voice: “But I don’t want this. I want to part from these seasons. That’s what I am trying to do now; to part with it.”

While I said it, and had continued to observe the repeating cycles of the frogs in front of me, I now simultaneously began seeing events from our own family history happen parallel to the frog cycles. Woosh! Woosh! I saw how my own mother had in the past tried to distance herself from her family too, and yet returned every time. I saw this happen multiple times in the dream, and in real life I had lived through one such attempt myself, but that wasn’t the first time she had tried. She tried it before. Yet, she returned every time.

But it wasn’t just her cycle of return. I also saw an uncle of ours (her younger brother) who did the same, and a cousin on our father’s side of the family who too did the same, and many more examples. Our families had been going through these cycles for the longest of times. And finally I also saw my own conduct in this metaphor. It was like I was being shown a multi dimensional holographic power point presentation. I saw how I myself kept coming back, though very infrequently and with much time in between visits. But I would still occasionally pop up at their door. It showed me I was not trying to break the cycle at all, but was just doing what everyone else was doing who was stuck in these cycles.

As I realised this, I looked at the house. It turned into an ominous house again, as I had seen it in previous dreams. It turned blackish, the walls showed cracks, there was tar pouring out of these cracks, and black smoke filled the rooms of the house. The voice continued: “Look over here. This house is like a spiderweb. Every season the web hosts a new spider.” I again immediately understood what the voice was trying to explain to me, and replied: “And in the current season that spider is my mother.” After having said this I immediately woke up, and wasn’t able to fall asleep again. I typed this experience out right after I was awake. The memories were very sharp.

 

Analysis:

I think the message in this dream to me is quite clear. If I want to break free of these cycles, I have to stop trying to walk the middle ground. Only then will I truly break free from this cycle. The way I handle it now is the way every individual in this family of ours has handled it. They all came back and endured more drama.

Though it is a very complex situation, its breakdown is actually quite simple. None of us want to carry all this pain that was passed onto us by the generation that came before us. Our parents before us didn’t want to either, and they got it from their parents, who got it from their parents, and so on and so forth. If I want to break free, I need to want to leave it all behind.

The words “this house is like a spiderweb and every season the web hosts a new spider” really hit the bullseye. It made things so much more clear to me. My mother is just fulfilling a role. Her mother came before her. Every family that works this way has someone that performs this role.

I don’t think my mother wants this role, but in order for her to be able to part with that role I need to remove myself from the web.

There are no winners in this conflicts. There are only our individual choices, and how those choices affect the others that involve those choices.